Title: Chocolate Tree Trunks In My Girlfriend's House Category: Random
Okay I have one to trump everything. It will sound unbelievable, and like it should have been an episode of Seinfeld, cause everything went wrong. I swear that this is 100% true, unaltered.
Part one: The Broom
This tale is about the first time I took a shit in my girlfriend's house. I'm 19, and a freshman from college. This took place during Spring Break, and I was hanging out at her's and her mom's house on the last day. We've dated since last February, but I refuse to shit in front of her. The reason? I take massive shits. Like, large paper towel tube sized, painful shits. I could clog an airplane toilet if I wanted. We're hanging out in her room, watching Top Chef, and I feel it. I feel that familiar pain in my smaller intestines. "Run" says my mind.
I run into their shared bathroom, drop trou, and lay the biggest turd I've ever had to push out of my 6'6" build. It hit the water so hard, so densely, that water SHOT out of the toilet, in front of my... phallic organ, and went on the floor in front of the toilet. My girlfriend knocks asking if I'm okay. It had been 25 minutes. I tell her I'm fine, just go back. She doesn't ask anymore- she's heard stories of my chocolate tree trunks.
I use toilet paper, stand up, and flush. Just as I thought, a clog. 'No prob', I say to myself as I reach for the plunger. But instead of my rubber and wooden savior, there is only a void. They do NOT OWN A PLUNGER. Who the fuck doesn't own one? Two females living with no male, that's who. I crack the door and tell her to go buy me a pack of my Marlboro Red 100's. She goes out the garage to my car, time to get to work.
I run around the house, pants at my ankles (I was panicking, screw you), looking for a plunger. None. So I do the only rational thing that came into my mind. I went to the garage.
I run back to the bathroom, with a broom in hand. My turd has evolved while I left. Half was stuck in the hole leading to the pipes, and half broke off like the Titanic, and became a floater. 'Fuck this turd', I think as I turn the broom around, and use the handle to break up the biggest shit I've ever seen in my life. I break it up, it flushes, and I step back to admire it.
I FUCKING SLIP ON THE WATER THAT ORIGINALLY SHOT OUT OF THE TOILET WHEN IT HIT THE TOILET. I fall, and land in her tub, pants still down. I have the broom in my right hand, and something else in my left. As I fell, I grabbed out to catch myself, and ripped the fucking shower head out of the wall. There is now a small hole in the wall, and a roughly 1 foot long pipe attached to a shower in my hand. When I put it back in, it slumps and is obvious. So I wrap it in bandaids, sticky side out, and cram a MaxiPad in there with the pipe. All is well. I hear the garage open, so I run through the living room, and kitchen, and just stick the broom in the washing room. (I couldn't put it back in the garage, my girlfriend was coming though it). We go back, watch TV, all is well.
Part Two: That Night
Her mom was making dinner for us that night, rice, pork, and breaded plantains. As she's putting the rice in a bowl, she slips on some water the broom dripped onto the kitchen floor. So there's rice on the floor, what to do? Grab the broom that's in her sight, in the laundry room. The broom from Part One. She sweeps it all up, trashes it, and then comments on how her hands smell like shit. My blood runs cold as I just realized what happened. She washes her hands, and it still smells. So what's a woman to do?
She gets in the shower. That fucking shower from Part One. She turns on the water, and I'm almost in TEARS in the other room from fright, wondering what will happen when they find out I used the broom to break up my shit that clogged the toilet.
Shower on...POP, Scream... *CRASH, *LOUDEST SCREAM I'VE EVER HEARD.
Now, here's how it looked if there were footage in the bathroom of this. The shower worked briefly, but the water pressure was a little low. That's because their pipe was leaking slowly... onto that MaxiPad I shoved in there, which was expanding rapidly. The water rushing outside the pipe, and I only assume the pad contributed to this, essentially shot this shower head at my girlfriend's mother, making her fall out of the shower, onto the bathroom floor. That accounts for the POP, SCREAM, and CRASH.
But where did that other scream, the loud one come from? Let me tell you.
She laid on the floor, head facing the toilet. She laid there, face to face with the biggest turd ever faced by man. Apparently when I was Hulk Hogan'ing that turd, the water level was even with the bowl, and the floater just rolled out, onto the floor, behind the toilet. I had no idea.
Now someone else lives with them, her mom's friend. She has a boyfriend who comes in, threatens people, trashes the house, is a nutjob. I lead them with my talking to believe HE did it. He's no longer allowed back in the house.
So there you have it. That's the end of my terrible horrific tale that happened to me March 23, 2008. I guarantee that it is 100% true, you will never find it in print or anywhere else on the internet. If either of them ever find out, I'm fucking dead.
PS: I threw away the broom in a dumpster as I left the house, they didn't know I took it. Yeah, it smelled like shit. The biggest shit you would have ever seen.